|deep thought about healing and completeness
I just had a deep thought so thought I'd post it here.
Current Mood: very thoughtful
There's such a focus on healing. People want to reach some point in life where there are no more troubles, no more pain, no more worries, healing is complete... It isn't possible. It isn't in God's design for us to achieve completeness in this lifetime. Completeness is for the day of Jesus Christ! (Phil. 1:6) If I was to achieve it here, I would have no need for God and no hope for that day. If I keep hoping for it here, am I taking my eyes from what He is doing in me?
|the boring intro stuff
Current Mood: amused
What to write as a first entry? Hm. Well, this one is just the intro so that people know I do write in this journal. Unlike my others, this one is friends-only. I'm generally a transparent person but do recognize that there are a few places in my life where I need the support of friends who I know I can trust with the more intimate details of my life and how my mind works. If you know me well and would like to read and be a part of that support network, please leave a comment.
Home is not a good place for me to be hopeful or to feel pain. No one would realize that. My dad and I talked about things that would make someone need inner child work. He has a M.S. in counseling. He doesn't think that lack of an outlet or social opportunities is the same as abusive, dysfunctional family. Why then did I learn so quickly and easily to isolate? Why was it so easy for people who first met me to think that I was older? My dad says every oldest child has those issues. I did not have opportunities to be a child with my peers, and I did not have freedom to hurt about it at home. I was always supposed to change something about myself or just learn to accept it. That was Mom's most recent advice: it is "the adult way" to be alone.
Current Mood: sad but thoughtful
No, my parents do not recognize any of this. In their own way they were trying to help. They thought I wanted them to fix it. They didn't know I just wanted a hug and someone to listen. That was why I refused to go to counseling as a kid. I just wanted parents to listen and care, not somebody who got paid for it. So I learned that it was better to keep it inside, to not feel, because people couldn't or didn't have time to give what I needed. When I was around 13 there was a song popular by Melissa Manchester called "Don't Cry Out Loud." Every time I listened to it I thought about my mom and thought that it was something she might say: "Don't cry out loud. Just keep it inside, and learn how to hide your feelings. Fly high and proud, and if you should fall remember you almost had it all." Well, almost is not good enough. I wanted it all, and it hurt not to have it, and I should have been able to hurt. Not that they were never there. They were sometimes, but at many really important times I was alone.